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Ten Things I love about Roseanne Barr.
1. She is the funniest comedian of all time(and the most talented one as well.)
2. She is one of most loving famous people you'll ever meet.
3. Her superior intelligence makes the White House tremble with fear.
4. She has a lot of wisdom to share with those who'll listen.
5. She deeply understands the flaws of humanity.
6. She is not afraid to tell it like it is.
7. She's very much in tune with God.
8. She's got a figure that makes Oprah jealous.
9. She's more qualified to run for president than Hilary Clinton.
10. She's Roseanne Barr, need I say more?!Current Mood:  I Luv Roseanne! |
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I am already at an all time bitchy high due to this heat wave and humidity, which causes my hair to have more split ends than Paris Hilton has in prison!
Yet the nitwits continue to get in my way. I go into CVS thinking I can pick up a few things and get out fast when I realize that there's a line. There is only one cashier there and she's tied up because some psycho bitch is complaining that she got overcharged on some shampoo.
This crazy customers starts calling her names, and this poor cashier looks like she's about to cry. Sudenly, the Towanda in me comes out and I walk up to this woman and tell her that people like her should be shipped to Guantanamo Bay.
She turns and verbally attacks me, but I silence her when I threaten to cram my 4-inch stilettos down her throat. (To add to my threat, I slip off my beautiful red pump and hold it up to her face.)
She of course says she'll call the police, and I say, "Go ahead, I've fucked them all so they will side with me no matter what you tell them!"
So she calls me whore, and I say "At least I get it when I want it, unlike you!" She leaves, and the cashier stares at me red in the face. When the woman is gone, she loses it.
"Can you tell I'm on the rag today?" I ask.
She rings me up, and then I am approached by two guys who want my phone number. I politely turn them down and get the hell out of there before I ruin my expensive suit that I paid too much for at Neiman Marcus.Current Mood:  Fucking Heat! |
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Here's EVERYTHING you NEED to know about Self-Publishing.
Reasons to Self-Publish:
1. A book that went out of print is still in demand, and the copyright has been expired so you can legally self-publish it.
2. The book is only being done for a small audience who are willing to pay a lot for it. (For Example, Family cookbooks, Family history books, etc.)
3. You just want your book in print, you don't care about selling, you just want to be published and that's all that matters.
4. You've been rejected by agents and publishers over a thousand times and you are throwing in the towel and spending money to get your book in print.
Pros of Self-Publishing:
1. Lulu.com is the CHEAPEST self-publishing service out there. You do have to do everything yourself, though, but it's easy. You download their manuscript template for the size of book you want, and you copy and paste you text in it, and you have to format it (Lulu has plenty of FAQs you can refer to help you on this.) There are many more steps than this, but Lulu has great support to walk you through the process.
2. You don't have to wait years to get your book in print.
3. You get to choose your cover and how your book will look.
4. You can sell it on Lulu's site, but if you want it to sell on Amazon.com, etc. Lulu does charge a "Worldwide Distrubution Fee" of 100 dollars (this is still CHEAP compared to AuthorHouse who will charge you 700 dollars to begin with.)
5. You don't have to spend money on stamps and postage just to get rejection in the end.
Cons of Self-Publishing:
1. Self-Publishing does NOT make you an ACTUAL PUBLISHED author. And if you mention in future queries that you did self-publish, then agents and editors will AUTOMATICALLY assume that you have bad writing. (According to them only fools and bad writers with lots of money self-publish, I disagree slightly because they forget that some people just want their book in print and they don't care about selling it.)
2. Self-Publishing does not help you grow in your writing. They take the good with the bad. And I have seen some poorly formatted books on Lulu. I came across one author who had all narrative prose (they tell not show their story.) And worse yet, they had more than one person speak in the SAME paragraph! So if you self-publish you basically reduce your chances of improving your writing unless you edit your book a hundred times before going to print.
3. YOU WILL NOT MAKE MONEY THROUGH SELF-PUBLISHING. Self-Published books do not sell. If you think POD's make their money through selling books, GUESS AGAIN!!!! They make their money on the outrageous fees they charge you to self-publish. (AuthorHouse is a great example. They charge you 700 dollars for the most generic basic publishing service. If you want your own cover created and your manuscript edited, your total bill will run in the thousands. You are MUCH better off going to Lulu.com because if you just sell your book on their site, the only COSTS you pay are buying a copy of your book to proof it for printing errors. But if you want to be ABLE to have your book listed on amazon.com, which Lulu does NOT guarantee amazon will list it, they CLEARLY state that their distribution service will ENABLE amazon to carry it, amazon decides whether or not to carry it, and guess what, if they decline to carry your book, you just lost 100 bucks.)
4. Self-Published books cost TWICE as much if not more than traditionally published books. On Lulu there are books that run 250-300 pages, and they cost over 20 dollars (they are paperback!) This is because the cost of printing these books make up 90%+ of the cost of the book. Lulu charges 5 bucks for a binding fee, and they charge 2 cents per B&W page, or 10 cents per color page. Now if you have a novel that runs 700 pages, times that by 2 cents a page, and watch the price of your book skyrocket. (Lulu also adds a dollar onto the price so that they make a "commission" on your book. Let me remind you that they've only made about 1000 dollars on commission from book sales. 99.99% of their revenue comes from services they provide.)
So there you are. Now if you're debating on whether or not to self-publish, ask yourself this: Which is more important? Making money, or getting my work in print? Am I willing to shell out 1000 dollars to go with a POD service other than Lulu? Do I want to grow as a writer, or do I want to stop at self-publishing, get my book in print, and move on with my life?
If you want to make money, if you want to grow and improve your writing, if you don't want to pay a dime to get your work published, then I say write well, query well and pray that you'll be in the 1% category of authors who get published. The publishing market is a TOUGH place. All books are a tough sale and each book is a risk for the publishers and the agent. More people are writing books than reading books, so sales tend to stall. If all of this intimidates you, then I say go to lulu.com and set yourself up on an account and start publishing. |
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If you are going to walk in front of me, please walk fast and not slow. And please don't smoke, because unlike your dumb ass, I don't want to get lung cancer. It is bad enough that I have to buy tampons once a month, do I have to cough up my lungs because of slow fucks like you who can't give up smoking?!
Now if you excuse me, I have to go boil my soiled red pump.Current Mood:  Damn Imbociles! |
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I don't mind if people comment on this journal, but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not comment if you have a nude pic of yourself as your user pic. I just had some guy post a comment, and his userpic showed his big floppy penis. While Ms. Clue-Gun does like penis, she prefers to only look at her husband's. Thank you.
(to that same guy, QUIT posting, or I'll hack those organs off and tape them to your thick forehead!)
-Ms. Clue-Gun/Organ Remover Specialist.
(Be Afraid...Be VERY Afraid!)Current Mood: Fuckin' Nitwits! |
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If you are going to self-publish your work, only use lulu.com They are by FAR the CHEAPEST route to go because they only require that you buy a copy of your own work first before approving it. Oh and if you want their worldwide distribution service, its 99 bucks.
Compare this to AuthorHouse and other self-publishing companies and you will be paying 700-1000 dollars to self-publish.
Trust me, I've done the research
Jun. 13th, 2007 @ 11:11 pm
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| » ACORN |
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Join ACORN today. I became a full member. ACORN works hard for social change and they fight many causes and help poor and minority people get the equality we all deserve. JOIN TODAY! Go now to www.acorn.org and MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
Wanna slap the Republicans in the face? Join the movement they hate the most!
Jun. 13th, 2007 @ 04:32 pm
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| » Why HILLARY Won't Get My Vote... |
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Ms. Clue-Gun gets up on soap box...
Hillary Clinton is a union-busting, warmonging, two-faced witch who is lukewarm on gay rights, and fighting poverty and hunger and homelessness.
And another thing: If Bill Clinton returns to the White House, we'll have to chain-gang all the interns for the next 4 to 8 years.
Jun. 13th, 2007 @ 08:24 am
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| » Wow! Ms. Clue-Gun has her own email now! |
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Ok clue-Cakelings,
Ms. Clue-Gun FINALLY has her own email. It is ms.cluegun2007@gmail.com
So send me an email about anything you want to know. Do you have a question? Do you want to harass me for labeling you a nitwit?! Send ALL emails to ms.cluegun2007@gmail.com and who knows, I may post some of the funniest emails on here, but KEEP IN MIND I WILL NOT DISCLOSE ANYONE'S IDENTITY ON THIS BLOG NOT NOW OR EVER! Cuz damnit, I don't need another lawsuit. I'm currently in litigation with the Nitwit Society Foundation, and that's keeping me pretty fucking busy.
So yeah, if you want some advice on anything, just email me.
-Ms. Clue-Gun
Jun. 12th, 2007 @ 09:20 pm
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| » My New OFFICIAL Slogan |
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"I Eat Nitwits For Breakfast."
-Ms. Clue-Gun, 2007
Jun. 12th, 2007 @ 04:43 pm
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| » Nitwit University |
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I swear the people I work with in my department are FUCKING nitwits. today somone from another department came and asked us a question. Well the nitwits bantered back and forth, confusing the poor person. I gave the obvious solution to their question, yet the nitwits tried to quell my response.
They are so fucking stupid. Especially the fat nitwit. She always involves herself with everyone's business because she tries too hard to cover up the fact that she is fucking lazy and worthless!!!
Where's my damn clue-gun?! I need to shoot the fat bitch up her huge ass, and then smack her with my stilettos!
Murr...
-Ms. Clue-Gun
My SECOND RANT:
I don't mind if people comment on this journal, but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not comment if you have a nude pic of yourself as your user pic. I just had some guy post a comment, and his userpic showed his big floppy penis. While Ms. Clue-Gun does like penis, she prefers to only look at her husband's. Thank you.
Jun. 12th, 2007 @ 03:59 pm
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| » Ms. Clue-Gun is Amused. |
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"Hillary Clinton is a Union-Busting Whore."
-Roseanne Barr, 2007.
Jun. 11th, 2007 @ 01:32 pm
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| » Got CONFLICT?! |
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Dear Clue-Cakelings,
Conflict is the spice of reading. Do you have it in your stories? Do not confuse conflict with complication. Here's an example of both:
Complication:
Steve pulled Lucy close to him. Their eyes met, their lips parted, anticipating one another's touch. Suddenly it began to rain. They scrambled to find the nearest tree, when lightening flashed above. "Forget the trees," cried Lucy and they dashed for the car.
CONFLICT:
Oprah burst through the door and pointed her finger. "I've had just about enough of your party animal behavior and your sexcapes!"
Paris screamed. "At least I don't put make-up on with a butter-knife!"
Oprah's veins burst. "You're just jealous because I have talent! You're only talent was making frat boys blush every time they see you!"
Paris lunged after her and pulled her hair screaming profanities.
See the difference, my dear Clue-Cakelings?!
Jun. 10th, 2007 @ 12:04 am
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| » FAQs |
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Dear Ms. Clue-Gun,
Why do you hate nitwits so much?
Signed,
Clueless in Seattle
Dear Clueless,
Nitwits and I don't mix. If I try to engage with them, they end up getting their bubble heads popped by the sharp end of my stiletto heel.
Especially if their egos are as big as Donald Trump's. (Trump proves that you don't have to be poor to be white trash, and the same is true about Paris "Crabcakes" Hilton.)
Jun. 9th, 2007 @ 11:37 pm
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| » R.U.E. (Not as in Rue McClanahan either.) |
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R.U.E.
Resist the Urge to explain!
Writers,
I know this is a tough one, even I was once guilty of this, but please, please, PLEASE when you introduce a new character or a scene in your writing, RESIST the urge to explain it.
Don't stop your story to give a history of your new character, instead let us get to know the character slowly as your story evolves.
When you meet someone in real life, do they tell you their history or everything there is to know about them on the first introduction? Hell no! You get to know them as time goes on. The same principle applies to writing.
Also don't tell us your story, show us through dialogue, action, and CONFLICT!!!!!
Now pull out those manuscripts and fix 'em up!
Jun. 8th, 2007 @ 10:15 pm
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| » Nitwit of the FUCKING Millennium |
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(My Clue-Cake Rants will deal with anything and everything from writing to eating, to voting, and more!)
Here we go:
Nitwit of the fucking Millennium, and for those of you "wise" kids who guessed George W. Bush, guess again!
I am referring to Peter LaBarbara, a homophobe who runs his own little hate-monging organization "americans for 'truth.' "
Here's a shot of clue-cake for you, Peter:
Everyone knows you're gay. Come out of the fucking closet, get yourself a nice husband, and quit OBSESSING over the gays. Please! Even Anita Bryant knows when to fucking quit and go home!
(blows the smoke from the clue-gun.)
-Ms. Clue-Gun
Jun. 8th, 2007 @ 10:04 pm
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| » Welcome to My Site! |
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Here is where nitwittery shall meet its doom! These posts will be rants that provide you with wisdom so that you won't become like most people in our society: too fucking stupid to think for themselves.
Let the Bitchy Rants Begin!
-Ms. Clue-Gun
Jun. 8th, 2007 @ 09:50 pm
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